life_inshadow: ([neg] bowed head)
[personal profile] life_inshadow
Tara couldn't remember when or how, but she must have fallen asleep at some point after she got back to the dorms. She woke up in a sticky ball on top of her covers, still dressed in the clothes she'd yanked on Thursday night.

She felt filthy, as if she were covered in Raven's blood and -- more. She felt as if her mind was no longer her own, and never would be again.

The first order of business was a long, hot shower that didn't seem to do much beyond removing some obvious grime from her skin. She dressed quickly, and put her hair back.

More grateful than usual for her lack of a roommate, Tara then laid a double line of salt at her doorstep and, after a quick chant to Astraea for her own purity, started methodically going through her spellbooks. She'd never taken special precautions against possession in the past, but there had to be a way to ensure no one would ever use her that way again.

The way she'd been used was bad enough already.

[OOC: Closed door, open post. Player will be on and off today.]

Date: 2011-01-16 03:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Kennedy had had some time to cool down last night. It helped, even though she still looked exhausted and miserable when she came and knocked on the door, and the coffee and bagel sandwiches she was carrying had been more something to do than a conciliatory gesture.

Well, only slightly. Still, it was enough to make the look in her eyes an uncharacteristically uncertain one.

Date: 2011-01-16 07:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"It's me, babe." If Kennedy hesitated at all over that last word, it was only for a moment, and really, it was reflex by now. "I, um. I brought breakfast."

Date: 2011-01-16 08:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Which she didn't, although she did give the salt a dubious look as she let herself in.

"This isn't gonna do something weird to me when I step over it, is it?"

Ouch, that came out more wary than she'd meant it to.

Date: 2011-01-16 08:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Oh, yeah, I'm just great," Kennedy muttered, and she'd kept most of the sarcasm out of her voice but kicked the door shut behind her harder than she'd meant to. "Sorry. That was... it's been a hell of a..."

She trailed off, laughing a little helplessly. "Did you realize it's Sunday?"

Date: 2011-01-16 08:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Yeah." It was kind of pissing her off that this conversation was so awkward; it seemed like the stupidest thing in the world for them to not know how to talk to each other by now, but...

"You, um, kind of just took off last night." Kennedy started looking around for a place to set the food down-- she suspected neither of them was going to make much of a dent in it-- and took note of the spellbooks.

"Big magic research day again, huh?"

She... sounded a little cautious about that too, yes.

Date: 2011-01-17 12:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Well, you didn't really give anyone a chance to talk to you," Kennedy pointed out, though she hadn't exactly made a move to do so herself. She noticed the stutter-- hard not to, when it seemed to come out so rarely around her any more-- and tried her best to keep her tone as mild as she could.

She set the food down on the desk and went over to sit down on the edge of Tara's bed, but paused to look curiously at her before she actually sat.

"Researching anything in particular, or just a general study thing? I mean, is that really a great idea right now?"

Date: 2011-01-17 12:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Kennedy shrugged, awkwardly, then dropped down onto the edge of the bed. She was a little disappointed by the distance between them, but on the other hand... she wasn't really sure what she'd have done otherwise. She wasn't exactly in a touchy-feely mood here.

"It's just, well, you were kind of hitting the mojo super-hard there. The seance, um... kind of freaked me out." She clasped her hands in her lap and stared down at them, bouncing one knee in restless agitation.

Date: 2011-01-17 12:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"You're not weak," Kennedy said abruptly, and this wasn't something she even had to think about. "Don't even start with that. Karla's not the only witch around here. You're amazing. I just..."

She dug a hand into her hair in frustration; it wasn't like she knew how to explain the vagaries of magic, and trying to find the right words for something had never been one of her strengths.

"Babe, for a second there, your eyes went black."

Kennedy still wasn't sure what exactly that entailed, but putting it together with everything that had happened afterward, she didn't think it was good.

Date: 2011-01-17 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Oh," Kennedy said quietly, after several long, awkward moments. "You... told me about that, once. I'm guessing that's not good, but..."

She shook her head, trying to push past that to find something resembling a bright side.

"But that's kind of, um. It means it's not your fault, right?"

Date: 2011-01-17 03:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Kennedy let out a tiny groan; she didn't think Tara had meant it that way, but the "if" sort of hit her own sense of failure a little hard.

"I'm not actually against that idea," she admitted. "Not exactly jumping for joy about someone using you to make us do all of that."

If she sounded a little bit more frustrated about this, well, feeling like there wasn't anything she could have done to prevent it didn't help.

"I should have known something was up. I knew you weren't acting like yourself, and..." She punched the mattress halfheartedly.

Date: 2011-01-17 03:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Yeah. Go, us." Kennedy really couldn't find it in herself to make that sound even remotely quippy right now. She stared down at her hands miserably; what she'd done with them was... not something she wanted to think about.

They'd never lost before. She'd been starting to think it was impossible.

And that wasn't something she wanted to say, so...

"Is there anything I can do?"

Focusing on what other people needed. That she could do; that it was the sort of thing Raven would do, too, didn't escape her. Ouch.

Date: 2011-01-17 03:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
And that--

That had Kennedy starting across the room toward her, reaching out, and then pulling to a halt just in front of Tara with that same stupid irritating indecisiveness that felt like some bizarre role she had to play, and wasn't playing very well.

"When have you ever seen me do that?" she asked in a strangled voice that came close to breaking. "If you need to... I'm here. I'm not--"

She swallowed, and her throat was tight. Tighter than she liked to admit.

"Not going anywhere, if you need me."

Date: 2011-01-17 03:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Never mind any reservations she might have had now; Kennedy reached out to wrap her arms around Tara in a fierce, almost desperate hug.

"What were any of us gonna do?" And yes, she was actually crying now; it was unfamiliar, but it felt oddly... she wouldn't call it good. Just a relief. "God, Tara, she's-- we couldn't stop it. Should've been able to save her, and..."

Date: 2011-01-17 04:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
They'd talked about it; they'd been worried, and tried to convince themselves they were worrying too much, and Kennedy should've been able to pester some information out of Raven sooner if she'd tried harder, because God knew she was an expert at getting what she wanted, but she hadn't.

"God, Raven," she muttered out of habit, affectionate and exasperated and miserable all at once, then choked out a tiny, half-hysterical laugh and buried her face in Tara's hair again. If she hadn't been hanging on so tightly, the drain of letting out everything she'd been bottling up might've just sent her toppling over onto the floor.

Date: 2011-01-17 06:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Don't suppose you could learn how to do that," Kennedy offered, mostly joking, or trying to. Probably not her best joke ever, under the circumstances.

Date: 2011-01-17 07:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"I know." Now Kennedy did pull back, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand and looking incredibly embarrassed about it; she slumped to her knees on the floor in front of Tara. "I spent all night going over everything we could've done differently and didn't. Like every little thing we could've done sooner, and then maybe we wouldn't have gotten played like we did, and Jesus Christ, Tara, we killed her."

Great. She'd thought she was done crying.

Date: 2011-01-17 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"I could have tried to get through to you more," added Kennedy, who seemed just as inclined to keep riding the what-if train for the moment. "God-- I knew something was off with you, and I didn't do anything to try and fix it, and... "

For the first time since they'd gotten back, she really looked at Tara, trying to get it into her head that this wasn't the being who'd possessed her any more, just her girl again. There were too many more images she couldn't shake: Sookie's unhinged fae rage, Karla and her whips of Sapphire energy, Jono letting loose with a wall of flame, the look on Emma's face, Raven's broken body... She needed something to displace a little of that horror, and this was her best bet.

"We all let her down," she murmured, finally. "But she tried to get us to kill you, too. I couldn't do that."

The rationalization wasn't nearly as comforting as she'd hoped.

Date: 2011-01-18 01:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"I'm grateful for that," Kennedy said fiercely, scooting forward to rest her chin against Tara's knee. "It doesn't make this any better, but I wasn't gonna lose you too."

Date: 2011-01-18 01:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Right." Kennedy tried to muster a shaky smile for her, and halfway succeeded. "Put things back together-- baby, c'mere."

Damned if she was going to sit here and let Tara cry without at least offering a shoulder to cry on, right?

[[i like special. :D]]

Date: 2011-01-18 01:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"That's all I need right now," Kennedy rasped, curling into her. "I'm not exactly together myself, y'know. Just... kinda need to be here. That okay with you?"

Date: 2011-01-18 01:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"Good. We'll start from there." Kennedy slid her arms around Tara's waist and just held on, still too tired and mentally exhausted to have anything encouraging to say; even if she did, she wasn't sure she could say it like she meant it. "Sorry I didn't come find you last night. Really am."

Date: 2011-01-18 02:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"And I was in the kind of mood where I either would've let you, or stood outside the door and yelled," Kennedy said wryly. "So pretty much bad, either way."

She shook her head. "I missed you, though."

Date: 2011-01-18 02:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
"This is one thing I can definitely stand to not have to go through again," Kennedy answered, turning to kiss her forehead. "God, I'm just damn glad you're you again."

And if she had to figure out a way to physically kick the ass of anything that tried to possess Tara again, she'd probably try to do it.


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